Below are the 18 most recent journal entries recorded in Dockside Comedy Bar's LiveJournal:

Friday, January 27th, 2006
9:11 pm	Why We Like The British - FROM BRITISH NEWSPAPERS Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph) Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend. (The Manchester Evening News) Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like. (The Guardian) A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented "This sort of thing is all too common". (The Times) At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff. (Aberdeen Evening Express) Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled. "He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'" (Bournemouth Evening Echo) A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers... "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction." "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any." "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination." "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'." "We are now travelling through Baker Street... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me,so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that" "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me." During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided." "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause .) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...." "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions." "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors." "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door." "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?" "Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bl**dy golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your a**e sideways!" "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage. Dockside Comedy Bar: Full of Standup Comedy Goodness.
Sunday, November 27th, 2005
9:14 am	5 Winning Smart Ass Answers For 2005 Smart Ass Answer #5: A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.' ***************** Smart Ass Answer #4: A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead." ******************* Smart Ass Answer #3: The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket. *********************** Smart Ass Answer #2: A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas." *********************** #1 SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2005 A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shaking her head and sweetly said "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand." Dockside Comedy Bar Putting the "Istma" into Christmas....
Tuesday, November 15th, 2005
12:26 am	Research on Women's moods A recent study found that the kind of male face that a woman is attracted to can vary considerably depending upon where she is in her menstrual cycle. It seems that if a woman is ovulating then she is more attracted to a man with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating, she is more inclined to be drawn to a man who is doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors embedded deep in his temple and a cricket stump shoved up his arse. Dockside Comedy Bar Christmas Gig List ("Funnier than a stick with a sheep tied to the end" -- Henry Lawson)
Monday, October 31st, 2005
4:02 pm	Neologisms... The list of new words to appear in 2006 dictionary: Testiculating: Waving your arms around and talking bollocks. Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible. Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noice, craps on everything, and then leaves. Assmosis: The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard. Salmon Day: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die. Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles. Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.? (This also applies to applause from a promotion because there may be cake.) Mouse Potato: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato. Sitcoms: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.? What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business". Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny. Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again. Adminisphere: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file.? Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" needless paperwork and processes. Ohnosecond: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realise that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit "reply all"). Beer Compass: The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here and where you've come from. Millennium Domes: The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually nought in there worth seeing. Mystery Bus: The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in. Mystery Taxi: The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with and leaves a 10-pinter in your bed instead. Salad Dodger: An excellent phrase for an overweight person. Coming up at Brisbane's Finest Stand-Up Comedy Venue this Thursday and Friday: Steve Allison, Jamie Rowe, Stewart Davidson, Tyson MacMillan, Fiona McGary, Steven J Whitely and the Amazing Alistair Crawford!
Saturday, October 22nd, 2005
8:51 pm	THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror, complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of automatically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion: "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds." Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and I stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. "How long will this take?" I ask. "They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies. I stop. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?" Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your bum, didn't it?" He's still alive, and with a great deal of physical therapy, he may even walk again. Stupid, stupid man. Next week at the Dockside Comedy Bar: Paul Brasch, James Hunter, Jamie Rowe, Brian McDonagh, Alistair Crawford, Chris Radburn and Casey Talbot.
Wednesday, September 21st, 2005
9:18 pm	Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties. Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and housework. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away. Jimmie had married a woman from Canada. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table. The third man had married an Australian girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a landscaper. This week at the Dockside Comedy Bar: Harley Breen, Meshel Laurie, Jamie Rowe, Darren Scott Sommers, Fiona McGary, Tyson McMillan and the hilarious Robert Grayson!
Thursday, September 1st, 2005
12:09 am	Believe it or not! This story happened recently, in a little town in Victoria, Australia, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, apparently it's true. This guy was on the side of the road near Terang, hitchhiking, on a very dark night and in the middle of a storm. The night was black and no cars went by. The storm was so strong; he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car coming towards him. It stopped. The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car, closed the door and then realized there was nobody behind the wheel. The car started slowly. The guy looks at the road and sees a curve coming his way. Scared he starts to pray begging for his life. He hasn't come out of shock, when just before he hits the curve, a hand appears through the window and moves the wheel. The guy, paralysed and in terror, watches how the hand appears every time they get to a curve. The guy, gathering strength, gets out of the car and runs to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he goes to a pub and asks for 2 shots of whiskey, and starts telling everybody about the horrible experience he just went through. A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy is crying and isn't drunk. About half an hour later, two blokes walked in the same pub and one said to the other "Look Bill, there's the idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!" This week at Brisbane's Premier Standup Comedy Venue (that's be Dockside Comedy Bar!): Daren Scott Sommers, Greg Sullivan, Katrina Shiels, Stewart Davidson, Jamie Rowe and the wonderful Meshel Laurie!
Friday, August 26th, 2005
1:05 am	This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet shop and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede which came in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the pub to have a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go down The Queen's Head with me and have a beer?" But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the pub for a drink?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to The Queen's Head and have a drink with me?" ( A little voice came out of the box:........... ) Catch jokes much better than this one at Brisbane's Premier Stand-up Comedy Club, the Dockside Comedy Bar!
Sunday, August 21st, 2005
8:30 pm	A busload of politicians were driving down a country road when, all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer, after seeing what happened, went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone. The old farmer said he had buried them. The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Were they ALL dead?" The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie." Coming up next weekend at Dockside's Standup Comedy Club: This Thursday and Friday, the 25th and 26th of August, Steve Head, Mark McConville, Liz Kitch, Greg Sullivan, Jamie Rowe and the Marvellous Marvin Brown.
Tuesday, August 2nd, 2005
9:40 pm	An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?" The old timer said, "I'm a golfer and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways." The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?" The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?" The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?" The old timer said, "He's 100 years old and, in fact, he golfed with me this morning, and that's why he's still alive... he's a golfer." The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?" The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?" The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! How old is he?" The old timer said, "He's 118 years old." The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?" The old timer said, "No... Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got married." The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Why would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?" The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"
Saturday, July 23rd, 2005
11:14 pm	The pastor entered his donkey in the race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race. The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS. This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN. The bishop fainted. He asked the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.00. This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE. The bishop was buried the next day... Dockside Comedy Club. Start your weekend off right.
Monday, July 11th, 2005
9:59 pm	A Marine squad was marching north of Basra when they came upon an insurgent soldier badly injured and unconscious. Nearby, on the opposite side of the road, was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert. As first aid was given to both men, the Marine was asked what happened. He reported, "I was moving along the highway, and coming south was the insurgent. Seeing each other, we both took cover." "What happened then?" "We tried to draw each other out of cover. I yelled at him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable low-life scumbag, and he yelled back that George Bush was a spoiled-rotten, good-for-nothing, SOB." "We were standing there shaking hands when a bus hit us." (thanks to rosie420!) This weekend at the Dockside Comedy Club: Lee Cole, Greg Sullivan, Brendan Lovechild, Allistair Crawford and the mutatious Chris Hague!
Thursday, July 7th, 2005
12:08 am	Davo's Tip of the Day! Number 3,827: Hijackers: Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death, by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place. This weekend, Thursday to Saturday at Dockside's Stand-Up Comedy Room: Lee Cole, Rodney Ralph, Katrina Shiels, Casey and Stewart Davidson! Come and see it for yourself!
Sunday, June 26th, 2005
9:49 pm	Davo's Tip of the Day! Number 23: A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency. Coming up this weekend at Brisbane's finest Stand-Up Comedy Venue (well, we think so!): Adam Palmer, television's Greg Sullivan, Big Brother Little Brother, the fabulous Nish and Brendan Lovechild!
Wednesday, June 22nd, 2005
1:30 am	Davo's Tips of the Day Number #423: International Master Criminals - please tell your guards to shoot James Bond in the head at the first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a guided tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive women in bikinis. This weekend at the Dockside Comedy Club: Paul Brasch, Russell Trienery, Greg Sullivan, Scott Rose and Chris Hague!
Saturday, June 18th, 2005
11:51 am	My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight." He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in. Tonight at the Dockside Comedy Bar: Jamie Rowe, Greg Sullivan, Mark McConville, Stephen Head, Casey, Dave Gray and the incomparable DAVO!
Wednesday, June 15th, 2005
10:34 pm	There were two golfers on the golf course. One of the men pulled out a cigarette and asked his friend for a light. His friend pulls out a 12 inch Bic lighter. "Wow, where did you get such a large Bic?" "Oh, my genie got it for me." "Your genie? You have a genie? Where is he?" "He's in my golf bag". The friend says, "Can I see him?" His friend says "Yeah, sure!" So the friend opens the bag and out pops the genie. The man says to the genie; "I am your master's best friend. Would you grant me just one wish?" The genie says "Yes, just one wish". So the man wishes for a million bucks. The genie goes back in the golf bag without saying a word. Pretty soon, the sky starts to get dark. Then it gets even darker. The man looks up and sees a million ducks flying over. He gets real upset and says "What is the matter with your genie? Is he hard of hearing? I said a million Bucks, not a million Ducks." His friend says to him: "Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch Bic?" This week at the Dockside Comedy Bar: Jamie Rowe, Greg Sullivan, Mark McConville, Stephen Head, Casey, Dave Gray and the incomparable DAVO!
Saturday, April 9th, 2005
2:30 pm	Tip of the day Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view. Visit the Dockside Comedy Bar!